I Want My Ex to be the Best Parent He Can Be

My kids need their dad. It is important to their development and their wellness. I want him to be the best dad he can be. Like many mothers, I used to be the one taking care of them, making sure they were eating right, taking them to sport, consoling them, petting them, guiding them through life, and so on. It was very hard for me to realize that I would not be that person 100% of the time anymore. I would only be with them half the time. How would he do? I had to let go of control, I had to let go of my worries. In order to let go, I had to feel that he was doing a good job. And in order to do that, I had to support him to be the best daddy he could be so my kids could flourish. Here are a few things I did to help him become a better dad:

1- Share what your kids say nice about him.
When the kids share a fun time with their dad, I write him and share with him what they said and I thank him for being a good daddy. That made him feel good, gave him the confidence and inspired him to do more. And it also creates a positive team spirit.

2- Focus on what he does right.
I knew he was going to make mistakes. Of course he would. I took care of my kids since they were born, how could he know what to do from day one? We learn by mistake, so I let him make them and did not say anything. I would only focus on what he was doing right. Such as: “Thank you so much for taking Sienna to swimming today, she loves it. Thank you.” And when he was forgetting to do something, I would just bite my tongue.

2a- If he would make the same mistake over, then I would first talk to the kids and teach them to teach him; tell them the conversation they need to have. Make them accountable as well for their lives; such as: “tell daddy to take you to your class 20 minutes before it starts.”
If that did not work, then I would approach him asking if I could support him. Ex: “Liam is telling me that he has not been at soccer last week, is there something I can help with to take him there?”

3- Thank him often
Regularly, I thank him for being such a good dad. If my kids are doing well, he must be doing something right too. After all, he has them half the time.

Those are only three things. Bottom line is to see everything that he is doing right with them and let him know how appreciative I am.

Feel free to add any tips on how to make the other parent be a better parent.

TRICKS OF LIFE

Life is funny sometimes, the little tricks it does on us to learn our lessons of life. It took a divorce to gain a lot of wisdom. Because of divorce, I know now better than ever who I am, my strengths, my shortcomings. I have discovered gratitude. I have learned to let go I have learned to built boundaries, I have learned my true meaning of respect, I have learned to be accountable, I have learned to ask for what I want, I have learned to stand my grounds, I have learned to breath, I have learned so many other things and it made me grown a strong woman and a better person because of it, and that’s what we need to keep focusing on.

The Divorce Challenge

Are you or a friend going through (or thinking about) divorce? You know how challenging it can be.
I coach Beautiful Divorce. This is what you get:
– You get re-centered so you can go through your days
– A clear vision of your new life
– Learn to communicate with your ex, so everyone gets what they need
– yes, a happy family.

Contact me for an initial consultation. sandrineheine@gmail.com
720-439-1101

Please pass this information to the ones you know who are going through a divorce. It will change their lives.

THE IMPACT OF DIVORCE ON BUSINESSES:

I am extending Beautiful Divorce into corporations. While divorce has a huge impact on our personal lives, it also has an enormous impact on employees moral, health, effectiveness, productivity and creativity. Bottom line, it has a huge impact on Businesses as well.
Can anyone of my Beautiful Divorce followers refer me to their HR person so I can have a talk with them? Please message me. Thank you.

MY VISION? A HAPPY DIVORCED FAMILY! HOW?

Most think that it takes two to have a beautiful divorce. That is incorrect. It always starts with one person. One who thinks that it would be a good idea, and this person is usually the one who holds the torch and the vision.

So the first question is: Do you really want it? Are you ready to transform your relationship?
It will take a lot of work, a lot of forgiveness and a lot of letting go. It does not matter anymore who did what, and who hurt whom. It is about understanding and accepting that all that hurt was part of the marriage, and that a new life has to start, a divorced life.

It does not matter who wanted the divorce, the fact is that you are now divorced, and it is up to you and your ex to decide what kind of life you want to build.

A lot of emotions are going to surface: a lot of anger, sadness, fears, and doubts. It will take courage and strength to refuse to get sucked into those negative emotions and to create a space to find peace. A space to be guided from the love of our children and the quality of life we want to have.

The first step is to ask yourself:

What is the vision for your family (divorced or married, family stays a family)?
How do you want your children to grow up to be? Are you ready to do everything you can to make it happen? Are you ready to be that person first? Are you ready to no longer make him or her wrong? Are you ready to only want to talk and think of him or her in a positive way? Are you ready to give him or her all the respect and support she or he needs to become a better parent for your children?

Once you have a vision of what you want your family to look like, then all of your actions need to mirror your vision.

I wanted him to respect me, I wanted him to be kind towards me, among many other things. There are times where he was not kind, but I was still kind to him anyway. I became what I wanted him to be with me. I refused to lose my family. I refused to have him dislike me. I refused to live the typical divorced stigma.

Now, yes, there was a chance that he would not replicate my kindness, but at the end, I was creating this reality for my children and myself. I was kind, respectful, and supportive towards him, and that is what I was being and showing my children. It did not take long for the fights to stop, since he did not have anyone to fight with anymore. And eventually, the smiles and kindness came back to me also.

 

I DON’T WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO BE AROUND MY KIDS

Anonymous:
My ex is bringing his new girlfriend to stay over for the weekend with him and my children. I can’t express how sickly I feel. I am completely crushed. I hate this so much! Why?

Beautiful Divorce:
It is hard indeed to have another woman around your kids, however, please be conscious of what you wish for your kids. Do you want her to hate your children and your children to hate her and create a lot of hate in their lives? Or do you want your children to be loved? And for them to learn how to love also? It will be one of the hardest lessons to learn: Love the person you want to hate the most. What a beautiful lesson you are teaching them. And most of all, you are teaching them that they are worthy of being loved, no matter where the love comes from. Eventually, for the wellness of the children, we became a team of three to love them. It is not easy and we have many bumps in the road. But one thing was always sure, we all wanted to love them, and that was our commitment: Their happiness.

My ex brought his girlfriend within a few months of our physical separation and what was the most painful was not that she loved my kids, but that I felt replaced so quickly. Even though I wanted the divorce, it felt like it should have been me in the picture having a wonderful time with my husband and my kids. It was painful, extremely painful, because I had a dream of being married happily ever after. It was the end of a dream. It was seeing someone else living my dream.

Of course, you are feeling sick. This hurts the deepest. It is a dream that you have had since you were a little girl and now it is gone. Allow yourself the grief and the sadness, but never lose sight of the love for your children.

Please, wish them a great time all together, allow them to love and allow them to be loved.

LETTING GO OF MY DEMONS

I have felt anger for the past few months. I have millions of reasons to be angry and so does everyone else, but this time was different. I felt I could not contain it anymore, it was taking over me. I stopped seeing gratitude and was only looking at what was not done right, and that was making me feeling angrier. It was like fuel on a bad fire. For a few months I have felt like a blanket of thorns was around me. I felt like nothing was going smoothly, and everything required a fight. I was so tired and sad. Everything seemed difficult.
I don’t know why I am angry, or now I think I do, and I am ready to let it go. I have carried it for 40 years. This is no longer mine to carry. While this is great that I am getting aware that I want to let it go, I just had no idea on how to let it go. And during that time, I also realized how much it was hurting my kids too.
It had to stop. It does not matter where the anger comes from, it does not matter to know who did what when you’re a kid. What matters is that this anger has consequences and when I am angry, it is the people I love the most who suffer from it. My family, my children.

Here I am, saying I would do anything for them, I would even die for them, and here I am hurting their heart with my anger and sadness. They can feel everything. I don’t need to say anything for them to feel me. When I am angry, they are angry. When I am sad, they are sad. When I am happy, they are happy.

I needed someone to help me to deal with this anger. I talked to spiritualists, traditional therapists, consciousness therapists, life coaches, friends, and support groups. All had something to say, some better than others.I wanted to find someone who understood what I needed and the process I needed.

This anger, this sadness, it does not belong to me. This is what I have felt from my mother. I felt everything she felt until the day she killed herself. There was so much sadness and anger, and I sponged it all in my, oh so very young little heart. Today, I do not want to pass it on anymore to my children. Today, this pain has to stop hurting others. Today, I learned to be with it. I learned to breath into it. I am not done with it, but this is the beginning of a healing and growing phase.

This lady I finally connected with, asked me to paint my anger. And this picture is what came out. She then asked if I could contain it, and I painted the pink blanket all around it. I am not sure yet what this pink blanket is, but I am so happy to know that I can and am on the path of healing.