I recall being scared on how I would feel for my birthday. I agreed with my ex that I would have the kids for a little while and then have the rest of the day free so I could do some things on my own.
I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid that I was not going to have a present (the kids still a bit too young to go shopping on their own). I was afraid of loneliness. I was afraid that the voice was going to come again and tell me how I suck and how unworthy I am. I did not want that, so I started to let my friends know that I did not want to be alone. I wanted to be prepared for this potentially difficult day. Yes, I was afraid of it.
In the morning, when I woke up, I remember looking around, as if I was waiting for something sad to happen to me. I looked around, nothing bad was happening. My kids were still sleeping. The day was actually beautiful. I got up and decided that I was going to make it a good day. I started breakfast and little by little life started on its own. Hugs and kisses flew to me. After a great breakfast, I took the kids back to their daddy.
There, my ex had a present for me. It was a candle.
It was the most beautiful gift I have received. I did not expect a present from him. In fact, he was the last person I thought I would get something from. This candle filled my heart with gratitude.
After leaving them, I walked back. I started to feel lost and sad again. So, i stopped and looked around me again. I started to feel the sun on my face and the sadness started to be replaced by gratitude. I had a great breakfast with my kids, a beautiful gift, sun on my face. It was a beautiful day.
When I got home, there was a bouquet of flowers and a card from a friend. Then, a few friends came and got me to step out and play.
When I thought that no one would remember my birthday or celebrating me, life just showed me that it was not true. That I was surrounded by love, and that I just had to allow it in my life.
In fact, it was probably one of the most grateful birthdays I have ever had. All that when I thought I was alone.
That first birthday was a stepping stone for me. I learned that a gift, is not just a present but is a reminder that someone is trying to make me happy. And that I am not alone. Ever.