Triggers

We all have triggers. Some of us let them rule our lives, some of us choose to see them as such: Triggers. They are only a reminder that something deeper needs to be attended.

I have let my triggers ruin my marriage. I have let my triggers take over my emotions and ruin so many good things throughout my life.
Today, I have decided they are only triggers and I don’t have to react to them.
It has been a year now since our physical separation, and while fewer and fewer triggers arise, some still knock at my door.

This past week, I have been experiencing feelings of sadness, resentfulness, jealousy, and anger. I’ve realized how difficult it is to feel gratitude while in this state of mind, in fact impossible.

I was shoveling the snow, it was quiet everywhere. And suddenly I realized that it was so noisy inside my head. I stopped, took a breath, and looked around. Everything was beautiful and peaceful. I only could hear nature. It felt so peaceful. I then asked myself what was really happening. And the answer was clear: I was sad.

I was sad to realize that our commitment to a beautiful divorce was stronger than the commitment we made for a beautiful marriage. I am not even sure that we ever committed to that at all. We were more committed to our pain and our own truth, than we were to our marriage.

Once I realized that I was sad, I stayed with it. And it went away. All the negative thoughts went away, and gratitude replaced it again.

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