When the divorce was finalized and the judge declared us divorced, it felt very incomplete. Somehow, I thought that my life was going to be completely different at that moment. I was expecting something, I don’t know what, but something different. Yet, I was the same person, with the exact same feelings. Yes, the papers said that I was divorced, but I guess I did not feel divorced. I had no idea what it was supposed to feel like to be divorced.
So, there I was, looking at him in the same court room. Do I smile? Do I cry? I want to do all that at the same time. For a brief second, I want to rewind everything and just run into his arms and forget it ever happened; but that only lasted a second. Then back to reality, this is the end of something big, but it is not the end of what I am feeling. In fact this is the beginning of everything that I will be feeling.
At the court, when we got married, we were told, “I now pronounce you husband and wife, and you may kiss the bride.”
All we got for the divorce was, “I now pronounce you divorced.”…… [Silence]…. Now what? Please tell
me what my next step is. Do I smile at him? Do I talk to him? What????? Please tell me. And the judge disappeared…
Nothing. Not one word. And here we are, both together in this room, where someone told us we were legally done with no instruction as to our first step. We looked at each other, trying to show no emotion, walked out of the court room, next to each other, in silence.
Outside was beautiful blue sky. Life was exactly the same as when we went in. The birds were singing, the river was flowing, the cars were passing, and people were walking. It suddenly felt very insignificant.
I just looked at him and said, “I will see you later at home.” We hugged and parted ways. I got into my car, in shock I suppose. I don’t even recall walking, it was like I was floating. Like it was too much for my brain to process everything.
It was like my heart was just overflowing. Sadness, fear, relief, hope, calm, scared, scared, scared, and sad, oh my god,
I was so sad. As I was driving home, the tears were flowing down my face. Now what? How was I supposed to be? I had no answer.
Now I know, just one day at a time. Being and doing what I thought was the right thing to do. One day at a time (sometimes, it was one hour at a time).
Now looking back at this moment, this is what I would like the judge to say to us:
“I pronounce you divorced. You are now bonded by your children for life. You may now go home, kiss your children and be their parents. You are responsible for their happiness, make sure you work together. You are no longer husband and wife, but you are now mother and father.”