I have felt anger for the past few months. I have millions of reasons to be angry and so does everyone else, but this time was different. I felt I could not contain it anymore, it was taking over me. I stopped seeing gratitude and was only looking at what was not done right, and that was making me feeling angrier. It was like fuel on a bad fire. For a few months I have felt like a blanket of thorns was around me. I felt like nothing was going smoothly, and everything required a fight. I was so tired and sad. Everything seemed difficult.
I don’t know why I am angry, or now I think I do, and I am ready to let it go. I have carried it for 40 years. This is no longer mine to carry. While this is great that I am getting aware that I want to let it go, I just had no idea on how to let it go. And during that time, I also realized how much it was hurting my kids too.
It had to stop. It does not matter where the anger comes from, it does not matter to know who did what when you’re a kid. What matters is that this anger has consequences and when I am angry, it is the people I love the most who suffer from it. My family, my children.
Here I am, saying I would do anything for them, I would even die for them, and here I am hurting their heart with my anger and sadness. They can feel everything. I don’t need to say anything for them to feel me. When I am angry, they are angry. When I am sad, they are sad. When I am happy, they are happy.
I needed someone to help me to deal with this anger. I talked to spiritualists, traditional therapists, consciousness therapists, life coaches, friends, and support groups. All had something to say, some better than others.I wanted to find someone who understood what I needed and the process I needed.
This anger, this sadness, it does not belong to me. This is what I have felt from my mother. I felt everything she felt until the day she killed herself. There was so much sadness and anger, and I sponged it all in my, oh so very young little heart. Today, I do not want to pass it on anymore to my children. Today, this pain has to stop hurting others. Today, I learned to be with it. I learned to breath into it. I am not done with it, but this is the beginning of a healing and growing phase.
This lady I finally connected with, asked me to paint my anger. And this picture is what came out. She then asked if I could contain it, and I painted the pink blanket all around it. I am not sure yet what this pink blanket is, but I am so happy to know that I can and am on the path of healing.